Mean Girls

I am one of those girls that surround themselves with gay men. I don't know how or when it started happening, but it did. One day I woke up and realized that most of my friends either do not live in the same city...or are gay. And you can over-analyze it all you want to, but there's a simple reason for it.

I don't really like girls.

There, I said it. Ok, it's not that I don't like them, it's that I don't get along with them. If there was a humane society-type shelter for friends, my cage would have a big red X over a picture of a girl's head. (I imagine there would be pigtails in this silhouette image.) And on a side note, I do have a few small circles of girlfriends that I have slowly accumulated over the past 15 years, consisting almost entirely of exceptions to the rule.

Gay men are catty, vindictive, plotting, self-obsessed, secretive yet gossipy, will bail on you at the first sign they might get laid, and chronically late...but you know what you're getting. They are very open with it. They check in at the gym, upload pictures to Facebook of their lunch consisting mostly of green beans, blatantly ignore you when that characteristic Grindr tone sounds, and talk about "gay time" being 20-30 minutes later than real time. And the bitchy comments flow like vodka at a gay bar. But they make those bitchy comments about you while you're there - to defend yourself if necessary. They own it, and that's what makes it ok. And they won't judge you for your bitchy moments or sexual indiscretions.

Girls, though...they are all those same things SECRETLY. (Ok, maybe not so much with the tardiness). I need to know who my friends are and what they're saying about me, and with girls you just don't know. They might be nice to your face, but blocked you on Facebook two weeks prior. Or they might tell people ridiculous things like the dome light in their car was on and they think you intentionally went in their parked car and turned it on to drain the battery. Or you find out they're telling people bizarre lies about you because they think you're maliciously trying to steal their friends. (I still don't understand this one - friendship isn't limited.) Being friends with girls is like playing a strategy game you can never win...and I'm tired of playing it. Anybody up for a game of Settlers instead?

Cookout, Gay Style

When the weather gets nice, I like cooking out.  It's what I do.  I like hosting.  I love the idea of people being at my house.  This weekend the weather was ridiculously nice, so I sent out a feeler text to my gays about a cookout.  They were all for it, so my roommate and I hit up the grocery store.  Now, he's newly gay and I still forget about some of the obvious things.  Like carbs.  I bought the same number of buns as meats...silly of me, really when they are going to have everything without the bun...silly me.  And I've got a whole lot of dessert left in my kitchen.  But at least I remembered to make them a cigarette receptacle.  I'm so crafty.  

Also, please note: match light charcoal is no longer match light when it has been sitting in your garage for 9 months.

And drag queens make a big mess when they get ready in your bathroom.